Inadequate

I generally use this blog to share things I've been up to, or things I find amusing but I'm going to get serious on y'all today.

Have you ever had some little minor experience that shouldn't be a big deal, but it kind reminds you of a past painful memory or emotion?  That's what has happened to me over the past week.  And I've been trying to figure out how to articulate all the feelings and emotions running through my brain.  So here it goes...

I'm graduating next week in Broadcast Journalism from BYU.  Of course graduation brings about lots of blog posts reminiscing about the past few years and all the amazing memories.  I've read some posts over the last week from people in my program talking about how much they've loved our major and posting all kinds of cute pictures from the newsroom.  And this might make me sound pathetic, but looking at these pictures has gotten me kind of depressed.  I don't mean this to be a slight in anyway to the people who have posted these things...please don't take it that way.  Reading these posts has just made me realize that I don't have a huge group of best friends in my major and I've honestly always felt really inadequate among that group of people.  I genuinely adore everyone I know in my major...they are an amazingly talented, and friendly group of people.  But I've always felt like an outsider who doesn't really belong.  I've struggled with self esteem since elementary school and choosing a major full of extremely good looking and very intelligent people didn't really help that.  I've had my share of triumphs as a broadcast major...I spent two semesters as a news anchor, interned at the Today Show, and did fairly well as a reporter.  But I still feel so inadequate.  

I was never the stand-out intern who became best friends with the all the producers thereby winning coveted assignments in the newsroom.  I was never the best reporter or anchor, winning national college news awards.  In fact I only entered one competition because I never felt like my stuff was good enough to win.  I don't have a fabulous job lined up for after graduation...in fact I have no job lined up.  And I've never been the most popular girl in the newsroom who seems to be best friends with everyone.

That last one is something I've struggle with for a while.  Not that I feel the need to be the most popular girl in town...I promise I don't.  I think of myself as a very friendly person, always willing to lend a helping hand when it's needed.  But I'm innately kind of shy.  I always worried that I'll say the wrong thing to someone new or even worse, I won't have anything to say at all.  And therefore a lot of the time I just keep quiet and stay in the background.  I'm honestly generally ok with that, probably stemming from the fact that I grew up basically as an only child and can easily keep myself entertained.  The only time I'm not ok with it is when I realize that everyone else around me has formed these wonderful and vibrant friendships while I've gone unnoticed.  

This might seem like a dumb example, but I remember back in high school when I was the school mascot for a year.  Yes, you heard that right, I was the mascot...no laughing.  We actually did really well!  My fellow mascot, Kristina and I placed third at mascot nationals!!  But that year was definitely the hardest of my life up until that point.  The mascots worked with the cheerleaders who were of course a group of gorgeous, vivacious girls.  My low self-esteem made me extremely uncomfortable around these girls.  I wanted so desperately to fit in and be liked but most of the time I just stayed quiet because I assumed they wouldn't want to be my friends.  I basically made myself miserable that year by not putting forth any effort to get to know those girls because I was honestly just scared.  They were all very friendly to me and were genuinely a great group of girls.  But I let my fear overcome me and never really became good friends with anyone on the squad, and I've always regretted it.

As I'm writing this I'm also realizing how self-destructive I've been.  I could have made the effort to make friends on the cheer squad.  I could have worked harder on my internships in order to stand-out more. I could have worked harder to be a better reporter and anchor, thereby insuring myself numerous accolades.  I could have also started looking for a job months ago, so I would have somewhere to work after graduation.  But I didn't do any of those things.  I guess I decided I had different priorities or something.  Or my laziness or general desire to have fun rather than working harder kicked in.  So basically I've caused these problems for myself and still have the nerve to sit here an complain about it.  Yeah I know...I'm quite the sob story aren't I.  Please forgive me.    

I'm also realizing how depressing this post is sounding.  It's not that I don't have any friends...I've posted plenty of pictures of them on here.  In fact I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for.  I also do have some very good friends in the broadcast program.  I guess I'm just more the type to have a few really close friends than lots of people I'm only sort of acquainted with (although it's probably obvious from what I've said already that I'm totally jealous of those people who are just so innately friendly that everyone they meet is their best friend.  I have a few friends like that and I admire them so much).  I really am a happy person with a lot of wonderful things going on in my life.  I mean I'm about to be a college graduate for goodness sakes!  But sometimes I just get down on myself.  Normally I keep these feelings in until I burst out crying to my roommate or my boyfriend who inevitably makes me feel better.  I'm really not posting these things looking for sympathy.  But I've been realizing lately that a lot of bloggers find support through talking about their emotions and the things they're dealing with so I thought I would give it a try.  

I already feel so much better after having written this.  I'm not sure I've really shared these specific feelings with anyone before but I'm glad I just did.  I know I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes or even a lot of the time.  I think girls have it in their nature to constantly compare themselves to everyone around them and to feel inadequate.  It's a nasty, destructive habit, but we all do it.  I really wish there was a cure.  And maybe the cure is just talking about it and realizing that other people, who may look perfect on the outside, feel the same way sometimes.  We all have our problems and as cliche as it is to say, nobody is perfect.  The problems I've shared today definitely pale in comparison to the much bigger problems going on in the world.  From the natural disasters in Japan, to civil unrest and war in the middle east, to the general poverty throughout the world, I almost feel ridiculous evening mentioning these feelings. But to me they are real and difficult.  

I heard a quote from Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles while I was on my mission that I always think of when I'm having hard time.  He said, "Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely.  Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.  Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.  All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect” (“The Choice,” Ensign, Nov 1980, 20).